Reading my last post that I published makes me laugh. Life has had so many ups and downs since that last post. It seems crazy that it has taken me this long to update my blog. I'm glad to say though that I believe I have been doing far more important work over the last nine months than blogging.
I know that many of our friends are concerned about us and we have an amazing network of prayer support right now that we are so grateful to have! Let me start by saying that we are doing fine. For those that have not heard, we have had a placement of three siblings for the last five and a half months. We have a 5 yr old girl, 4 yr old boy and seven month old boy. The baby came to us at just under 5 lbs when he was six weeks old. He had been starved and was on the brink of death when admitted to Children's Hospital. I remember that first time I saw him, all strapped into a wedge in the hospital bed. He was nothing but skin and bones. His eyes were huge and I was afraid to hold him because I thought he might break in my arms. The nurses told me how they had to train him to eat from a bottle because he did not know how to suck. My heart broke for this little boy and from that moment on, I was in love.
The two older kids came to us with many problems that had never been addressed and have been high needs the entire time we have had them. All along I kept telling myself that I could keep them and go through anything in order to keep my baby. God has shown me so much since having Skyler in our family. He has shown me that it is truly possible to love someone else's child as though they are your own and that family has nothing to do with whether they came from your belly or not. Skyler is my son and he is my boys' little brother. Unfortunately, that same bonding did not happen with the older two children. They had been in so many different homes over the years that we were just another stop along the way for them.
We found out a week ago that when our girl turns six in April, she will need to have a bedroom that is not shared with the opposite gender. It is one of the billion foster care WACs. We live in a three bedroom home and there is no way to configure it where she will have her own bedroom. So, I had to call the social worker and tell her the problem. We asked that they begin looking for a placement for the children because it is almost impossible to place three children together in the same home and we knew that was what the court had ordered for these kids. I was secretly praying that when they did not find a home for all three children together, that they would be willing to leave Skyler with us since he has done so well since being here. God had other plans. Within a week of looking for a home, they found a placement for all three kids to stay together. They will be leaving tomorrow afternoon to their new home- one with a bedroom for the girl and a bedroom for the boys. The social worker was shocked- as was I. Finding a placement for three is almost impossible and to do it so quickly is unheard of. I'm should be used to how God works by now but I'm still in AWE of Him.
While I am so utterly saddened by Skyler's leaving; I am also filled with God's peace. I really had no decision in this. God did not leave it up to me and I know that He knows best, even if I sometimes seem not to agree. Things had become increasingly harder with the older two and I felt like I had become nothing but a taxi service for the state. I ran the kids all over- therapeutic daycare, therapy, doctors of all sorts, etc. All the while feeling like I was no longer a stay at home, homeschooling mama. I was doing a juggling act that I could not keep up for much longer.
God knows I would have tried to do it forever if it meant keeping Skyler in our family. I feel like that is why He did not give us a choice and why He has given me His peace. Clearly I'm struggling as I am up writing this when I should be sleeping, but I'm no longer crying so hard that I cannot get control.
We plan to take a break from foster care for a little while; maybe longer. We are praying about it. What we once felt so passionately called to do, we no longer feel. Hubby would like us to take one months' time to really seek out whether God is calling us to continue or to be done. I've agreed as I certainly do not want to call it quits if we are just burned out. But, we are feeling like God may possibly be calling us elsewhere and that this season has passed.
We are so thankful for the last eleven months of doing foster care. We feel like it has contributed so much to where we are today. We may not be at our church if it were not for foster care and we certainly would not have the amazing support network surrounding us, if it were not for the friends we have made at our foster/adopt support group meetings. We would have never heard the words at our last meeting that have started the tugging at our hearts to consider a different path, if it were not for foster care. We would not forever have Skyler's smile etched in our hearts if it were not for foster care.
God has shown us during this placement how powerful prayer can be and how He always answers, even if it is not in my timing or my way. He has made me think eternally instead of just earthly. If we continue to pray for Skyler, we have hopes of seeing him again someday. I've learned how important it is to pray audibly over someone and to tell them as often as possible how much I love them, because if I don't, Skyler may not have ever heard that from anyone else. I realized how much I took for granted with my own children.
So, while my heart is breaking to lose my son- I am also very excited to go back to being a simple stay at home, homeschooling mama of three "not so little" boys. We praise God for bringing this placement into our lives and we know that He has a plan in all of this.
Thank you to all of you who have prayed for us during this journey. I feel like our journey is not over yet, it is just beginning and foster care was just one little leg along the way.
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